Valentine's Day is a day for lovers. At least that's what the commercials say. It is supposed to be filled with roses, chocolate, jewelry, and romance. Lots of romance, right? Well, I guess for a small part of the world that is exactly what it is, but in my world --and I would say in the worlds of most moms— Valentine's Day isn’t strictly about the flowers and candy. Heck, most of the time my husband and I barely see each other on February 14th. Does that mean I don't love him, or that he doesn't love me? Of course not! Valentine's Day has been built up so much over the years that we have unrealistic ideas of what the "perfect" Valentine's Day should be. We get ourselves all worked up over a romantic fantasy, and when our significant other doesn't live up to that ideal we feel hurt, disappointed, and even angry.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Some of you will not be happy to hear it, but it needs saying. If you are dating or married to a man that is not overly romantic, or gives amazing gifts during the rest of the year, it is unfair of you to expect him to suddenly turn into Prince Charming for a day! Do I think your man should try a little harder on Feb 14th if he knows it is important to you? Well, yes, but expecting a major personality change is unrealistic. It also sets up the day and our relationships for tension and stress.
Maybe it’s time we look at Valentine’s Day a little differently. Maybe we need to douse our old expectations and create new ones. There were some years my husband was lucky if I had showered by the time he came home! Over the years we’ve learned to use Valentine’s Day as a day to just take time together, even without expensive gifts or big romantic gestures. Take your mind off dreams of diamonds and roses, and instead focus on each other. Put the kids to bed early and have dinner together at the dining room or kitchen table instead of in front of a TV. Set a fun limit on how much to spend, or give each other handmade gifts. One the best Valentine's gifts my husband every gave me was a plate of gingerbread cookies that spelled "I love you." And my mom reminded me of one of her favorites from my dad it was a year when there was a lot of snow and he shoveled "I love you" in snow and laid in the middle of it. When she looked out the kitchen window, that is what she saw. So cute! And they have been married for almost 40 years!
Be thankful for the love that you have. I used to look for the big gestures, but I had a friend once whose husband always gave her the greatest Valentine's Day--the whole thing-- jewelry, a fancy dinner, a huge bouquet of roses, and expensive chocolates. I thought she was so lucky! Later she told me that her husband had been cheating on her for years. He gave her all those gifts out of guilt, and they were now tainted, a reminder of his unfaithfulness. Of course, I am not saying that if your man showers you with gifts he is cheating. But what I am saying is that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I would prefer gingerbread and a faithful spouse than diamonds strung together with lies.
Valentine's Day in my world is also a day to shower love on my children, friends, and family. Last year I cut out hearts and wrote things that I love about each of my boys. Things like, “You're funny," "I love your smile,” and, "I love your hugs." Then I put the hearts all over their bedroom doors so that one of the first things they’d see when they woke up were my messages of love. I think a few are still up on their doors even a year later. I love giving little gifts to my friends and family just to let them know they mean a lot to me. A dollar store cup filled with candy can be a small way to say, “You are important in my life." One year I bought some snack food for my husband and put little notes I printed from Pinterest. It did not cost a lot or take much time, but it meant something special to us both. I won't tell you what I am doing this year...you will have to wait for the pictures on Monday!
I say we take back Valentine's Day from the candy and flower companies and start focusing on our relationships in a real way! Let's move past the romance novel ideas that fill our heads, and celebrate our men for who they are. Set realistic expectations for the day. Accept your financial and time constraints and appreciate your loved ones. Enjoy whatever they do for you, no matter how big or small, and don't dwell on what you did not get. Do something to show your love. And here is a real shocker of an idea! Celebrate Valentine's Day every month by spending time really connecting with your family, friends, and yes, your man!
Let me let you in on a little secret. Some of you will not be happy to hear it, but it needs saying. If you are dating or married to a man that is not overly romantic, or gives amazing gifts during the rest of the year, it is unfair of you to expect him to suddenly turn into Prince Charming for a day! Do I think your man should try a little harder on Feb 14th if he knows it is important to you? Well, yes, but expecting a major personality change is unrealistic. It also sets up the day and our relationships for tension and stress.
Maybe it’s time we look at Valentine’s Day a little differently. Maybe we need to douse our old expectations and create new ones. There were some years my husband was lucky if I had showered by the time he came home! Over the years we’ve learned to use Valentine’s Day as a day to just take time together, even without expensive gifts or big romantic gestures. Take your mind off dreams of diamonds and roses, and instead focus on each other. Put the kids to bed early and have dinner together at the dining room or kitchen table instead of in front of a TV. Set a fun limit on how much to spend, or give each other handmade gifts. One the best Valentine's gifts my husband every gave me was a plate of gingerbread cookies that spelled "I love you." And my mom reminded me of one of her favorites from my dad it was a year when there was a lot of snow and he shoveled "I love you" in snow and laid in the middle of it. When she looked out the kitchen window, that is what she saw. So cute! And they have been married for almost 40 years!
Be thankful for the love that you have. I used to look for the big gestures, but I had a friend once whose husband always gave her the greatest Valentine's Day--the whole thing-- jewelry, a fancy dinner, a huge bouquet of roses, and expensive chocolates. I thought she was so lucky! Later she told me that her husband had been cheating on her for years. He gave her all those gifts out of guilt, and they were now tainted, a reminder of his unfaithfulness. Of course, I am not saying that if your man showers you with gifts he is cheating. But what I am saying is that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I would prefer gingerbread and a faithful spouse than diamonds strung together with lies.
Valentine's Day in my world is also a day to shower love on my children, friends, and family. Last year I cut out hearts and wrote things that I love about each of my boys. Things like, “You're funny," "I love your smile,” and, "I love your hugs." Then I put the hearts all over their bedroom doors so that one of the first things they’d see when they woke up were my messages of love. I think a few are still up on their doors even a year later. I love giving little gifts to my friends and family just to let them know they mean a lot to me. A dollar store cup filled with candy can be a small way to say, “You are important in my life." One year I bought some snack food for my husband and put little notes I printed from Pinterest. It did not cost a lot or take much time, but it meant something special to us both. I won't tell you what I am doing this year...you will have to wait for the pictures on Monday!
I say we take back Valentine's Day from the candy and flower companies and start focusing on our relationships in a real way! Let's move past the romance novel ideas that fill our heads, and celebrate our men for who they are. Set realistic expectations for the day. Accept your financial and time constraints and appreciate your loved ones. Enjoy whatever they do for you, no matter how big or small, and don't dwell on what you did not get. Do something to show your love. And here is a real shocker of an idea! Celebrate Valentine's Day every month by spending time really connecting with your family, friends, and yes, your man!