Should respectable women enjoy sex? Or is sex just a means to procreate? The enjoyment of physical intimacy is a topic lots of “respectable” women, Christian women in particular, don’t seem to talk about. But consider this--unless you talk about something you may never fully be informed or happy with your decisions surrounding it. Communication breeds clarity and a sense of peace, especially when it comes to how you are living your sexual life. For me, the answer to whether sex should be enjoyed by the girl who gets to meet mama is a resounding,”YES!" I believe that if you are married, go for it and have fun.
As a Christian woman I have stopped pretending that I don't enjoy sex with my husband; gone are my days for acting like sex is something that should be done as a duty, in the dark and missionary style. That kind of attitude reminds me of the Victorian era when women were told to "think of England" when in the marriage bed, implying that sex was not enjoyable and that it was a wife’s duty to England to just lie back and make more subjects. Why, even today, are married women in the church not encouraged to enjoy sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean, God gave us the gift of sex to procreate, but he also commanded physical union as a way to be close to our spouses. And in case you’re wondering, God is not a prude! Kay Arthur wrote a great book on the subject called, “Sex…According to God.” Despite God’s gift to man and wife, even today men are often considered sexual creatures who are free to enjoy the physical pleasures of marriage, while wives are instructed to quietly submit to a husband's desires. I know what some of you are thinking—that after housework, children, and a 9 to 5, sex is the last thing you have the energy or inclination to pursue! Sometimes you just want to get it over with so you can get some sleep! Believe me, I understand. Try to hear me, though: Under that mindset you are missing out on so much!
Rather than tell you how wonderful my sex life is as a “respectable,” Christian married woman, I want to share a few ways I’ve found to help spice up your sex life with your spouse before you even get into bed—and how to keep having fun once you're there!
1. Send your husband a sweet text followed by a sexy one.For example you might text, "I miss you today," or “Just thinking about how much I love you!” Then an hour or so later raise the stakes a little with, " Wanna shower together tonight?” or, "I can't wait to kiss you when you get home.” Think of it as setting the stage in your husband’s mind, but also in your own. Men and women approach sex differently—men are usually ready to go at the drop of a hat (or pants!), whereas women need time to get there. Setting the stage well before bedtime gives you the time you need to get into the mood for intimacy.
2. Plan for sex.I know that sounds boring, and yes sometimes spontaneity is the spice of life, but for busy moms sometimes planning goes along way. Think of men and women as computer screens with icons maximized for all the “programs” or things they need to do. A man's screen may have one or two programs open at a time, and then when it's time for sex he just minimizes all the other programs—work, kids, neighbors, yard work, etc. and focuses on sex. Women, on the other hand, have a bunch of programs open at once—work, kids, grocery list, chores, etc. Sex, is still one of many screens, and while we may minimize the others, we often are unable to focus solely on sex because we still are thinking about all the minimized screens. Planning for sex allows us as women to consciously choose to quit multi-tasking for a time and engage intimate physical fellowship with our partner—or to continue the metaphor—focus more on the spouse and lovemaking “programs.” Let him in on the plan, or surprise him, but do plan ahead! Make an easy meal with little clean up, arrange to get the kids to bed early, sneak in a shower before he gets home, and slip something sexy under your regular clothes. Set up the night for success!
3. Use your own secret code.Setting the stage and planning ahead should involve a little fun! For example, come up with a code word or phrase that clues your spouse into your mood. It could be anything from, “Wanna help me fold the laundry?" to "I want to play bingo tonight.” Get creative and make it fun, but make something that only the two of you know. Slip it into normal conversation and be amazed at how attentive your spouse becomes! Believe me, your kids will wonder why daddy's face lights up whenever mommy mentions doing the dishes!
4. Be his mistress.
I tease my husband by saying I want a flip sign above our bed that says “Wife" on one side and “Mistress" on the other, so he knows what type on mood I'm in! I’m referring to the idea that throughout history men have been sexually reserved with their wives, while sharing their adventurous and passionate side with their mistresses. Be his “mistress!" Let him know he can be fun and adventurous with you in bed. Now, you don't have to go all “Fifty Shades of Grey" on him, but change things up. If you are an in the dark couple, turn on the lights every now and then. Try a new position or some extra foreplay and cuddling.
5. Initiate sometimes.
Now, if you read my “Perfect Wife" post you know I had issues with this. Don’t turn into a control freak—I am saying initiate sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes a man will not give his woman what she needs to get ready for sex. Most often, it's not that he is being mean or insensitive, it’s just that he’s clueless. So show him. When he comes home, give him what you need. If you are a toucher, give him lots of touching or kissing, sit on his lap on the couch, give a little butt smack as he walks by. Let him know he is special to you in whatever way works for the two of you. It may take him a few nights of hints, but eventually he will start to reciprocate. This works a lot better than pouting and getting angry that he is not meeting your needs.
6. Ending with the act is not all that matters.
Ok, now you are laughing at me, I'm sure, but I am serious. I am all for actually having sex with your spouse and finding completion as often as possible, but if you are having trouble in the bedroom just remember, your intimate interaction does not need to go all the way, all the time. Sometimes cuddling with your spouse in bed and remembering together what you love about each other is enough. Or maybe a hot and heavy make out session like when you were newly married will do the trick. As long as you're both on the same page and the interaction draws you closer to each other, there is nothing that says the night has to end in sex. It could be that you need to get the closeness back before you can really enjoy the actual act—so drag it out. Decide to cuddle the first night, make out the second, and by the third night you and your hubby will both be running for the bedroom!
7. Communicate & Compromise.I am telling you, the best thing you can do to build a smoking hot sex life with your man is to communicate. I guess I am one of those women who has the kind of open personality that lets people feel that they can talk to me about anything. And they do. I have had more conversations about sex with my female friends than I can count, and it always comes back to communication and compromise. But when I ask them if they talk to their husbands about their needs, the predominate answer is—no. My husband and I talk a lot in this area, and I am lucky enough to have married a man who truly cares that my needs are met, and not just his own. Unfortunately, not all husbands are as attentive to their wives’ needs. As I mentioned, it's not always because they don't care; more often it's because they don't know. We need to tell our husbands what turns us on. The husband of a woman who just lies there thinking of England and never saying anything may never figure out how to please her! Our husbands also need to know that they are safe in sharing their desires with us. Don’t be ashamed to talk about your body and what feels good with your spouse! Then, together you decide what fanansties, ideas and positions are agreeable to both of you. Never just do something for your husband because he wants it if it is painful or hurtful for you. Wives are not slaves to do a husband's bidding, but partners with whom they share life’s most sacred pleasure. And be willing to compromise; just because you have never tried something does not make it wrong. Be willing to explore while being open and honest with your husband about what works and what doesn't.
So should all of us “respectable” women enjoy sex? Heck yeah! A little imagination, planning, and communication can create sexual intimacy between you and your spouse that rocks both your worlds.
As a Christian woman I have stopped pretending that I don't enjoy sex with my husband; gone are my days for acting like sex is something that should be done as a duty, in the dark and missionary style. That kind of attitude reminds me of the Victorian era when women were told to "think of England" when in the marriage bed, implying that sex was not enjoyable and that it was a wife’s duty to England to just lie back and make more subjects. Why, even today, are married women in the church not encouraged to enjoy sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean, God gave us the gift of sex to procreate, but he also commanded physical union as a way to be close to our spouses. And in case you’re wondering, God is not a prude! Kay Arthur wrote a great book on the subject called, “Sex…According to God.” Despite God’s gift to man and wife, even today men are often considered sexual creatures who are free to enjoy the physical pleasures of marriage, while wives are instructed to quietly submit to a husband's desires. I know what some of you are thinking—that after housework, children, and a 9 to 5, sex is the last thing you have the energy or inclination to pursue! Sometimes you just want to get it over with so you can get some sleep! Believe me, I understand. Try to hear me, though: Under that mindset you are missing out on so much!
Rather than tell you how wonderful my sex life is as a “respectable,” Christian married woman, I want to share a few ways I’ve found to help spice up your sex life with your spouse before you even get into bed—and how to keep having fun once you're there!
1. Send your husband a sweet text followed by a sexy one.For example you might text, "I miss you today," or “Just thinking about how much I love you!” Then an hour or so later raise the stakes a little with, " Wanna shower together tonight?” or, "I can't wait to kiss you when you get home.” Think of it as setting the stage in your husband’s mind, but also in your own. Men and women approach sex differently—men are usually ready to go at the drop of a hat (or pants!), whereas women need time to get there. Setting the stage well before bedtime gives you the time you need to get into the mood for intimacy.
2. Plan for sex.I know that sounds boring, and yes sometimes spontaneity is the spice of life, but for busy moms sometimes planning goes along way. Think of men and women as computer screens with icons maximized for all the “programs” or things they need to do. A man's screen may have one or two programs open at a time, and then when it's time for sex he just minimizes all the other programs—work, kids, neighbors, yard work, etc. and focuses on sex. Women, on the other hand, have a bunch of programs open at once—work, kids, grocery list, chores, etc. Sex, is still one of many screens, and while we may minimize the others, we often are unable to focus solely on sex because we still are thinking about all the minimized screens. Planning for sex allows us as women to consciously choose to quit multi-tasking for a time and engage intimate physical fellowship with our partner—or to continue the metaphor—focus more on the spouse and lovemaking “programs.” Let him in on the plan, or surprise him, but do plan ahead! Make an easy meal with little clean up, arrange to get the kids to bed early, sneak in a shower before he gets home, and slip something sexy under your regular clothes. Set up the night for success!
3. Use your own secret code.Setting the stage and planning ahead should involve a little fun! For example, come up with a code word or phrase that clues your spouse into your mood. It could be anything from, “Wanna help me fold the laundry?" to "I want to play bingo tonight.” Get creative and make it fun, but make something that only the two of you know. Slip it into normal conversation and be amazed at how attentive your spouse becomes! Believe me, your kids will wonder why daddy's face lights up whenever mommy mentions doing the dishes!
4. Be his mistress.
I tease my husband by saying I want a flip sign above our bed that says “Wife" on one side and “Mistress" on the other, so he knows what type on mood I'm in! I’m referring to the idea that throughout history men have been sexually reserved with their wives, while sharing their adventurous and passionate side with their mistresses. Be his “mistress!" Let him know he can be fun and adventurous with you in bed. Now, you don't have to go all “Fifty Shades of Grey" on him, but change things up. If you are an in the dark couple, turn on the lights every now and then. Try a new position or some extra foreplay and cuddling.
5. Initiate sometimes.
Now, if you read my “Perfect Wife" post you know I had issues with this. Don’t turn into a control freak—I am saying initiate sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes a man will not give his woman what she needs to get ready for sex. Most often, it's not that he is being mean or insensitive, it’s just that he’s clueless. So show him. When he comes home, give him what you need. If you are a toucher, give him lots of touching or kissing, sit on his lap on the couch, give a little butt smack as he walks by. Let him know he is special to you in whatever way works for the two of you. It may take him a few nights of hints, but eventually he will start to reciprocate. This works a lot better than pouting and getting angry that he is not meeting your needs.
6. Ending with the act is not all that matters.
Ok, now you are laughing at me, I'm sure, but I am serious. I am all for actually having sex with your spouse and finding completion as often as possible, but if you are having trouble in the bedroom just remember, your intimate interaction does not need to go all the way, all the time. Sometimes cuddling with your spouse in bed and remembering together what you love about each other is enough. Or maybe a hot and heavy make out session like when you were newly married will do the trick. As long as you're both on the same page and the interaction draws you closer to each other, there is nothing that says the night has to end in sex. It could be that you need to get the closeness back before you can really enjoy the actual act—so drag it out. Decide to cuddle the first night, make out the second, and by the third night you and your hubby will both be running for the bedroom!
7. Communicate & Compromise.I am telling you, the best thing you can do to build a smoking hot sex life with your man is to communicate. I guess I am one of those women who has the kind of open personality that lets people feel that they can talk to me about anything. And they do. I have had more conversations about sex with my female friends than I can count, and it always comes back to communication and compromise. But when I ask them if they talk to their husbands about their needs, the predominate answer is—no. My husband and I talk a lot in this area, and I am lucky enough to have married a man who truly cares that my needs are met, and not just his own. Unfortunately, not all husbands are as attentive to their wives’ needs. As I mentioned, it's not always because they don't care; more often it's because they don't know. We need to tell our husbands what turns us on. The husband of a woman who just lies there thinking of England and never saying anything may never figure out how to please her! Our husbands also need to know that they are safe in sharing their desires with us. Don’t be ashamed to talk about your body and what feels good with your spouse! Then, together you decide what fanansties, ideas and positions are agreeable to both of you. Never just do something for your husband because he wants it if it is painful or hurtful for you. Wives are not slaves to do a husband's bidding, but partners with whom they share life’s most sacred pleasure. And be willing to compromise; just because you have never tried something does not make it wrong. Be willing to explore while being open and honest with your husband about what works and what doesn't.
So should all of us “respectable” women enjoy sex? Heck yeah! A little imagination, planning, and communication can create sexual intimacy between you and your spouse that rocks both your worlds.